another..

.
not for the first.. and surly not for last.. i wish..
i wish there were no distance.. and no time..
no wondering.. no waiting.. and no gloomy sky..
i wish there were doors.. instead of miles..
there were coffee breaks.. or luring glasses wine..
not months.. not years.. not hundreds sleepless nights..
just breezy rainbow moments.. flashing through my eyes..

i wish there were another light.. another side of moon..
another place.. another vibe.. another waving tune..
no promised glories.. enchantingly so close..
and no unsober mornings.. when following the flows..

i wish there were hands.. so strong as stormy wind..
so close so warm.. and all around so tightly whirled..
so powerful and wild like a samoan chanting dance..
for that one moment.. with no commitments.. no demands..

what else to say.. if not to scream.. i wish..
i wish there were another place.. another time..
oh god.. provide me with these powers.. enable me to fly..
when getting higher.. deeper.. further.. to the blue..
i wish there were another story.. another me.. another u..

lessons of autumn.. (2)

i don’t remember when it happened precisely.. or why.. or how.. definitely not out of a sudden.. and probably without any particular reason.. the things have got the way they had to and at the moment the details really do not matter.. even if it took me years to come to this point, right now i can only look back with a peaceful sentiment, take a deep sigh and say good bye without too much drama..

this silence laying on the table between us has spoken enough.. for years.. and even if there were times when i felt like screaming it all out and breaking this ‘matter of course’.. i never did.. so we played year in year out.. believing in the ‘happy-ending’ script.. following the rules ‘as it should be’.. and i have to admit.. the theater was good and we both played it with full lively performance..

well, maybe it was me playing ‘the life’.. the life i always was told and taught about.. the life that my parents never had.. the life that is painted with the colors of ‘happy’, ‘together’ and ‘forever’.. so believe it or not, i did my best and i played this life as sincere as i could.. yet, i played it.. when u instead.. u LIVED it..

unfair?.. yes, but not less painful.. believe me, leaving the one who loves u is just as hard as to be left.. it breaks your heart in thousand sharp pieces that stab u every time u look into his eyes knowing this play will end.. and knowing it all alone.. lasting for years.. just waiting for the right moment.. to escape.. or rather to rescue.. wishing to keep the best memories.. but in the meanwhile destroying them all..

every year around this time the dreams get much more colorful and feelings much more intense.. these unexplainable powers of autumn have always shown me the way i should follow.. there is no exception this year.. the autumn is calling and i’m ready to leave.. once and again to leave another dear place called ‘home’.. the place where all dreams of a little girl could come true.. it’s just that this girl has grown up.. and the dreams have changed..

yes, i’ll miss u a lot.. and yes, i’ll feel sorry once in a while.. but now, how bluntly this might sound, i have to go to live my life.. the play is over..

lessons of autumn..

every year around this time i feel it coming.. it starts somewhere around my belly button, turning and turning around slowly going up through all those inner tunnels rising together with my blood stream and pulsing in my finger tips.. it always keeps going up until it reaches my gullet and there.. out of a sudden bumps up and merges its warmth with cool nightly air.. converting into a steamy breath slightly disappearing in the darkness.. only at this time of the year i get this serpentine feeling from within.. strangely starting around my navel..

it’s a feeling of autumn.. every year it comes back with this whirly inner roam which can be felt only through a deep sigh.. always around this time.. after playful indian summer when all colours land on the ground and start browning the streets undressing the trees every morning leaving them with less and less clothing.. when the sunrays get more and more reddish in the early evenings and late mornings just firing around with scattered heartedness but no heat.. gently playing with the cobwebs fluttering in the wind and swinging little spiders all around in the air..

i love indian summers i swear.. who doesn’t.. but even more i love the time thereafter.. when the real autumn starts reigning all around.. spreading the coolness and rain.. harnessing the wind and mercilessly tearing off their last summery proud.. and yet.. it’s not about the wind of change and naked trees.. it’s something else hanging in the air that makes my stomach twirl and awakens my senses like never before.. hence every year afresh.. the nostalgia.. shamelessly conquering within and without..

tonight i felt it again.. stronger than ever before.. was walking with axl, my dog, when it sneaked into me.. and started whirling.. i could stand there forever feeling it rising inside and coming out through my breath.. my heat was embracing the coldness around.. i felt it in my throat where heavy lump started melting and flowing like dew drops through my eyes.. thrilling my whole body and mind.. bringing the knowledge of life.. teaching me one more time an immensely clear lesson.. THERE IS NO WRONG OR RIGHT.. THERE IS JUST LIFE.. AND U ARE HERE TO LIVE IT!

i swear i needed this simple knowledge at that very moment.. and then axl pulled me to go..

to be continued.. the autumn has just begun..

a tribute to virtual reality..

i have to admit one more time how much i used to freak out about those ‘new born’ friendships with people whom i’ve never met.. well, slowly i’ve got used to this feeling and right now it is just the ‘keep wondering’ hangover that still comes back from now and then..

well, internet is a useful medium especially for the travellers and vagabonds to keep in touch with the loved ones at least in this skimpy manner like emailing.. calling on skype.. sending a bear hug on facebook.. or sometimes writing a blog for more detailed updates in general.. yeah.. i always knew that and appreciated this hearty side of internet.. and i’m not here to analyse the rest of the marvellous qualities of this wonderland.. but one thing i never knew or, rather to say, i never believed in and was very sceptical about.. is that it also can bring new people into your life..

yeah.. right now it depends on the reader.. u might burst into laughing calling me crazy.. and telling ‘get a life, girl!’.. or u might fetch a deep sigh thinking ‘are u from some stone age.. or what?.. don’t tell me u still don’t believe it!..’

u see.. i would agree with both of u.. i guess that’s the need to write about it..

well of course, there were loads of stories around like ‘..they met on internet and now she’s coming to meet him..’ (no matter that after 2 days she’s catching the first plane to go back as soon as possible where she came from coz both of them have almost got a heart attack after this remarkable face-to-face interaction) and other ones like ‘..he found himself this beautiful girl from the philippines and now she’s taking care of him in his old days..’ (the question would remain who’s happier.. the old ugly ass who couldn’t get himself a wife in a real world or the extensive family of this young little beauty, but definitely not the beauty herself..) anyway.. these are just few typical stories, i guess..

narrow stories.. as i realize it now.. but they used to form my attitude about the world ‘out there’.. the virtual reality that is generally recognized to be ‘practically non-existent’.. as most of my ‘real life’ friends would doubtlessly call me ‘insane’ knowing that i can’t get someone out of my mind.. someone i never met ‘in real’.. even when we go out and dance all night long.. hmm.. and i would agree with them in terms of ‘common sense’.. or what we call ‘normalcy’.. (and i’m not getting in a discussion here what that is supposed to mean..)

apparently this ‘common sense’ does not work as we are used to it on the everyday level.. it turns into a ‘discovery sense’ and becomes so much more interesting and explorational once u get into it.. once u anonymously sneak through these virtual people’s profiles.. laughing your ass off from the creepiest presentations ‘about me’.. or ‘things that attract me’.. or ‘what would u find in my bedroom’.. i remember myself calling all those phantoms ‘freaks’ and ‘fakes’.. unconsciously becoming one of them.. creating my own little world in the dark..

even more i freaked out once i started having night conversations with some of these ‘phantoms’.. exchanging real energy.. the vibrations through the internet.. sometimes even feeling warm breath on my face getting too close to the ‘unknown’.. actually just in front of me.. but what scared me the most was that even people i knew ‘in real’ presented themselves unrecognizably..

at that time i still didn’t know that ‘unfamiliar’ is just another side of the coin.. and that everyone expresses it in a very own unique manner.. and i mean everyone.. a friend you knew for years.. a person that u just started believing to be the ‘perfect stranger’.. a colleague who u thought to be this ‘boring nerd’.. and, yes, also u yourself.. u have your own ‘unfamiliar’ side.. created not by your capabilities to express yourself.. but rather by people on the other side of your computer according to their own personal (and this would include ‘cultural’, ‘economical’, ‘religious’, ‘social’, ‘political’ and all the rest of the possible forms of ‘personal’) background..

‘the charm of the unknown’ is indeed the essence in this journey of mystery.. it keeps u travelling throughout the world.. bridging the lands and oceans.. giving u access to brazilian flavours and colours.. indian slang expressions.. european ‘(un)awareness’.. young rebellious thoughts.. diversity in saying ‘hello’ or ‘i miss u’.. variety in music tastes.. imaginary lifestyles.. sometimes i feel myself like sneaking into people’s bedrooms.. revealing their mind nakedness.. getting into their dreams.. even becoming a part of them.. and then i do not only realize this illusion of time and space one more time.. but i feel it insanely strong roaming through my whole body.. tickling my senses and even reaching my toes.. making me smile.. or cry.. living inside of me.. and making me alive at the moments when dailyness gets too ‘normal’..

---xxx---

just like this morning.. so brilliant and perfect.. how can u miss someone so much.. someone u never met.. u never had.. u never will.. how can u miss someone that much?..

the perfect strangers..

sometimes we meet people who make us laugh..
sometimes we meet people who make us think..
or, just by being the way they are, they learn us how to live..
most of people we just pass by..
with few of them we stick together..
but sometimes..
we meet those very few who make us stop for a deep second..
giving a feeling of love..
unconditionally..
just for entering our lives for this one second..
just very few of them..
they touch our souls and leave..
even if we wish to keep them forever..





















as the matter of fact.. we never really loose them..
as long as this entry is noticed..

‘cogito ergo sum’

.

that’s a really funny one.. found this in my old diary.. the teenage thoughts.. wrote about 10 years ago.. huh.. can laugh so badly about it now..

...................................---xxx---

so this guy, descartes, a long time ago he said ‘cogito ergo sum’, which is latin for ‘i think, therefore i am’.. well apparently this made a whole lot of people go ‘..oohh, i see, that makes sense.. pretty neat that descartes..’

pfff.. pretty flawed!..

the whole deal with ‘i think, therefore i am’ is that descartes was all ‘damn.. i can’t be sure of anything!.. my senses are flawed!.. all i know for sure is i keep stressin about this stuff!..’ and then his girlfriend was all about ‘if you’re so hung up on this, then you must exist, huh baby?..’ and descartes was all ‘yeaah, that’s true.. i will write this down in latin’ (only, really, he first wrote it in french, but hey, whatever, this is the 17th century, let’s translate it into latin for no good reason!..)

isn’t it a huge logical leap?.. i mean, sure it’s indisputable that thinking is going on, but who says that descartes (or his girlfriend) is the one doing the thinking?..

you can’t have thinking in a vacuum, so something has to exist if there’s thinking going on, but to attribute that thinking to yourself just because you’re aware of it is a pretty big leap for a sceptic to make..

but no, for real.. i’m sleepy and bored!

...................................---xxx---

a moment of smile..

i guess living without too many mass media means for 10 days has inspired me of using my pen more then ever.. here is another piece from my lithuanian diary written few weeks ago.. this time much more observational and not so emotionally tinted as the last one..

going back to the places where u’ve been raised.. spoilt as a child.. moulded as a teenager.. always gives u special kick.. it’s a natural feeling for everyone and u can hardly avoid comparing and remembering the things the way they used to be and the way u find them now.. however, it’s not really about how they have changed.. but the way u did.. the way u start perceiving them differently.. and the way u observe them with the references of your very own collected baggage..

it’s always good to see familiar things around u.. walk on the streets u used to stroll back and forth.. watch people’s faces and recognize the familiar manners of expression.. accidentally bump into the ones u thought u’ll never meet again.. but not only that.. there are hundreds of changes developed through the time too.. some of them are barely visible.. other ones are shaking surprises for all your senses.. it’s always revealing to see how these places change, move on adapting new forms of development and assimilating with the former traditional assets and norms..

this time i stumbled upon this very simple and very human expression of emotions – a smile, or a laughter.. u could call it a natural expression, just as i called it ‘very human’.. but apparently it’s not.. it’s rather a cultural norm than a natural emotion..

as i can remember way back to time, smile on people’s faces was not a customary matter.. in fact there was no laughter acknowledged in public space.. no matter where u go, u won’t see people laughing or smiling without a particular reason.. if u go to the shop, a cashier won’t say a friendly ‘hello’ or ‘can i help u?’.. at school your teacher won’t give u a single smile even if your performance was excellent.. in the bus people travelling together would whisper to each other not willing to disturb the public order..

but why would u question it if u don’t know it otherwise.. if u don’t know any better?.. it was actually ‘pretty normal’.. or simply ‘the norm’.. i remember my mother always taught me: ‘be serious’, ‘don’t play too loud’, ‘be quiet in public’, ‘watch your manners’.. and it’s not that i had a strict mom.. not at all actually.. these were rather public codes, not personal matters..

weird to think about it back when right now i love smiling and even more i love hearty laughing without any particular reason.. doesn’t have to be funny.. it can be a colourful ribbon fluttering in the wind.. little girl with huge pink ice cream.. or just a heavy rain cloud chasing me into a coffee bar..

i still miss lots of smiles on people’s faces.. spontaneous behaviour and emotional sharing on the streets.. in the pubs.. at schools.. and all other public places.. following this norm i even catch myself putting an emotionless mask every time i pass people on the streets.. without much concern.. just as everyone around..

yesterday i sat in the bus in front of two schoolgirls.. very alive and full of joy.. the laud laughter filled the whole bus sometimes even turning into hysterical notes.. those two had really a ball of time.. the bus was sounding like a cacophonous orchestra with high frequency scale..

i liked sitting right in front of them.. even if most of the times i used to get an uncomfortable feeling in front of really blastingly laughing people.. but not this time.. the comic part was watching the people around who were making almost painful grimaces with condemnatory glances piercing these two enjoying youngsters.. very clearly the privacy was interrupted.. the passengers were taken out of their isolated minds and forced to pay attention to this sounding happening in the bus..

it truly made me smile.. not those two girls having their girlish fun, but the awareness of people.. awareness of joy of others.. which most of us still didn’t learn to take as a peaceful break in our busy minds..

how nice would it be if we could make other’s joy at least for a moment our own?.. how liberating would this be for our crowded overloaded thoughts?.. how colourful a day would be?..

so i guess even the laughter is a norm to learn.. even i am still learning to feel the joy of others and to make it my own.. even if that’s for a moment.. a moment of smile..

lost among the memories..

few months already.. maybe even years.. i have this tickle inside to write a blog.. i’m not a writer.. not a poet.. just someone who feels.. and sometimes wants to share it with a piece of paper.. or in this case.. with u.. my distant reader.. so here it comes, my first post.. inspired by a teardrop of past.. a little sad one.. however, it was not my intention to start this blog with a sad note.. but it turned out to be that way this time, so let it be..

this piece was written on my last trip to my home country.. with a very double-barrelled feeling.. separating celebration from pain and going back to my roots.. i didn’t know that memories will be so strong this time.. didn’t expect them flowing all over the edge.. like a leaking tap, i couldn’t turn them off, every time confronted with another black and white photo… another letter.. another smile..

i’m not someone who lives by the past.. many years ago i learned it off following one good friend’s advice: ‘don’t look back.. never look back..’ and since that time i never did.. was easily leaving places, people, read books, the ‘first times’, everything.. with no hard feelings.. just moving on.. following my future visions very clearly.. not wasting time for depressed moments remembering or comparing.. hell no.. i was progressively with the speed of light reaching my pre-established goals.. no hesitation, no insecurity.. there was no past, there was no present.. there was just ‘my future’ and by putting emphasis on ‘my’ it excluded other people, my family, my friends.. forget the lovers..

right now standing at this turning point i found myself dropped on the crossroad where all ends (or call them beginnings) meet.. and just one more time i realized this very simple thing.. this girl hitchhiking through her life was made by the holey road behind and the visionary dreams somewhere in the horizon of this road.. and just one more time i caught myself being a hopeless dreamer.. a lost nomad.. this time lost among the memories..

so here i am.. at my old desk covered with my mothers made table cloth, with little sparkling table light reminding rather a candle.. looking outside the window to the secluded and overgrown garden.. just like many years ago.. trying to do my homework pushing away ‘being in love’ joys and sorrows.. messing in the teenagers head, questioning the true and the false feelings, analysing situations..

here i am.. in my old room.. however, much too empty to recognize the spirit of the young girl who i was at that time.. no rock posters on the walls, no dry flowers and wooden straw curtains hanging on the windows, no funky colourful dresses laying all over my bed.. no incense smell.. no jamiroquai on my crashy tape recorder.. hardly recognizable.. just my bed with two flowery handmade pillows and my desk with this window reminding rather an old painting..

for the last time.. picking up my memories and saying good bye to my childhood and teenage days.. to my lithuanian proud.. to this chapter closed already so many years ago.. and still so alive right now.. sitting at this desk..


it used to be such a crowded and noisy place.. this house, big and so embraceful.. still can hear my mother’s voice singing in the kitchen, smell of home made food tickling my nose, runny feet upstairs in my brother’s room.. still remember myself sneaking out throughout this window just in front of me.. on my naked feet running on the cool gentle grass.. hiding in the trees and swinging on the roofs.. just to avoid the dinner time and piss off my folks.. childishly smoking my first cigarettes, getting drawn in the starry skies and longing to be grabbed by the magic powers or taken away by the bird.. too many thoughts.. overwhelming feelings.. butterflies in my stomach.. dreamy visions.. these last ones, however, have never changed..

right now these past shadows are much too colourful.. in contrast to this empty and sighing house where only wind makes some noise in the dusty chimney and cracking walls seem to complain about their loneliness.. outside i still hear whispering the trees and rattling the chain of our old old dog.. don’t even know who’s feeling more lonely.. me or this old trusty house.. he saw so much through all those years.. happiness and joy.. love and peace.. sadness.. lots of fights.. missings.. and more pain.. fights to survive.. and death.. madness.. and even more pain.. lots of leaves.. too many tears.. rivers of them.. flowing and flowing.. but never so much emptiness as right now.. when no one is left.. no family any longer.. just a memory of it.. and wind moaning in the empty rooms..

the days are count.. and just like love and family broke down.. the house will be destroyed..

so here i am.. to say good bye.. my home.. sweet home..

am i the one to feel unhappy who left her home too many years ago turning back to everyone who loved her?.. am i the one to feel this pain inside who saw her mother dieing on her arms at the very last moment?.. am i the one to judge my father who miserably drowned himself throughout his life taking all of us together?.. am i the one to feel misunderstood who knew her brother going mad and disappearing for life?.. am i the one to say good bye who never cared or looked back?..

do i even have a right to feel this pain inside?..

maybe someday..