unsent letter for u..

.
there are those moments when i just miss u like hell..
usually i just push them away.. and find another flow of thoughts..
that helps.. in fact life is just so busy and capricious by choice..
there is always something else to do.. to think about..
or not to think about.. it’s just a matter of planning..
a matter of choice..

right now it's one of those moments..
but instead of pushing it away.. i choose to share it with u..
even if u are not there.. nor here..
and i have no idea where u are.. or what u do..
i just want u to know..

I MISS U LIKE CRAZY.. AND I HATE U FOR THAT..

i want to scream it loud.. instead of just keeping it inside..
but let the tears scream.. let the heart beat loudly..

i just wish i had u right here by my side..
i don't even know for what purpose.. or no purpose at all..
travel.. or no travel.. who gives a damn..
just to have u right here.. in my arms.. on my lap..
for a second.. for a minute.. that would do..

seems like ages.. seems we never met..
seems like a dream.. that never happened..
but somehow i always come back to the same stage where i left..
a departure.. and another bunch of questions..
not for u.. not even for myself..
just for sake of questioning the life..
why so many emotions like now..
and why so less at the times..
where are we going..
and for what purpose..
how many different lives are we living..
and how many together..
and why the hell i have to ask this at the moments like this..

thank god.. this doesn't happen much..
thank god.. it's just a moment of extraction..
let it come and go.. let it not become an obsession..
let it wash away with the rains outside..

at the moments like this..
i pray to wake up one bright morning..
and not to remember u at all..
to be clear and blank as a white sheet of paper..
without a single mark of red painted love..

how much easier would that be.. CAN U IMAGINE..?

no waiting.. no impatience.. no emails.. no calls.. no sms's..
dreamless nights.. and days.. afternoon breaks..
no distraction in between.. no plans for the future..
no questioning.. no doubts.. no envy.. no avoidance..
no kilometers in between.. no counting days..
no tears.. but also no smiles..
no tickles.. and no butterflies..

HOW EASY WOULD THAT BE..?
AND HOW EMPTY WOULD THE LIFE APPEAR SUDDENLY..?

so empty and senseless..
that i could probably kill myself from boredom..
i don't know..
but at the moments like this..
i pray for emptiness in my life..

so thank god one more time..
it's just a moment..
which comes and goes..
with the lines above..
with the tears on my lap..
but..
with the fullness in my life..
which is u..

so no matter for what i pray at the moments like this..
stay.. stay fulfilling my life..

forgive for throwing it out.. for sharing useless emotions..

in fact.. it helped.. right now i feel the moment is over..
and i can smile again.. :)

thanx for listening.. even if not being there.. nor here..

good night, love..

another..

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not for the first.. and surly not for last.. i wish..
i wish there were no distance.. and no time..
no wondering.. no waiting.. and no gloomy sky..
i wish there were doors.. instead of miles..
there were coffee breaks.. or luring glasses wine..
not months.. not years.. not hundreds sleepless nights..
just breezy rainbow moments.. flashing through my eyes..

i wish there were another light.. another side of moon..
another place.. another vibe.. another waving tune..
no promised glories.. enchantingly so close..
and no unsober mornings.. when following the flows..

i wish there were hands.. so strong as stormy wind..
so close so warm.. and all around so tightly whirled..
so powerful and wild like a samoan chanting dance..
for that one moment.. with no commitments.. no demands..

what else to say.. if not to scream.. i wish..
i wish there were another place.. another time..
oh god.. provide me with these powers.. enable me to fly..
when getting higher.. deeper.. further.. to the blue..
i wish there were another story.. another me.. another u..

lessons of autumn.. (2)

i don’t remember when it happened precisely.. or why.. or how.. definitely not out of a sudden.. and probably without any particular reason.. the things have got the way they had to and at the moment the details really do not matter.. even if it took me years to come to this point, right now i can only look back with a peaceful sentiment, take a deep sigh and say good bye without too much drama..

this silence laying on the table between us has spoken enough.. for years.. and even if there were times when i felt like screaming it all out and breaking this ‘matter of course’.. i never did.. so we played year in year out.. believing in the ‘happy-ending’ script.. following the rules ‘as it should be’.. and i have to admit.. the theater was good and we both played it with full lively performance..

well, maybe it was me playing ‘the life’.. the life i always was told and taught about.. the life that my parents never had.. the life that is painted with the colors of ‘happy’, ‘together’ and ‘forever’.. so believe it or not, i did my best and i played this life as sincere as i could.. yet, i played it.. when u instead.. u LIVED it..

unfair?.. yes, but not less painful.. believe me, leaving the one who loves u is just as hard as to be left.. it breaks your heart in thousand sharp pieces that stab u every time u look into his eyes knowing this play will end.. and knowing it all alone.. lasting for years.. just waiting for the right moment.. to escape.. or rather to rescue.. wishing to keep the best memories.. but in the meanwhile destroying them all..

every year around this time the dreams get much more colorful and feelings much more intense.. these unexplainable powers of autumn have always shown me the way i should follow.. there is no exception this year.. the autumn is calling and i’m ready to leave.. once and again to leave another dear place called ‘home’.. the place where all dreams of a little girl could come true.. it’s just that this girl has grown up.. and the dreams have changed..

yes, i’ll miss u a lot.. and yes, i’ll feel sorry once in a while.. but now, how bluntly this might sound, i have to go to live my life.. the play is over..

lessons of autumn..

every year around this time i feel it coming.. it starts somewhere around my belly button, turning and turning around slowly going up through all those inner tunnels rising together with my blood stream and pulsing in my finger tips.. it always keeps going up until it reaches my gullet and there.. out of a sudden bumps up and merges its warmth with cool nightly air.. converting into a steamy breath slightly disappearing in the darkness.. only at this time of the year i get this serpentine feeling from within.. strangely starting around my navel..

it’s a feeling of autumn.. every year it comes back with this whirly inner roam which can be felt only through a deep sigh.. always around this time.. after playful indian summer when all colours land on the ground and start browning the streets undressing the trees every morning leaving them with less and less clothing.. when the sunrays get more and more reddish in the early evenings and late mornings just firing around with scattered heartedness but no heat.. gently playing with the cobwebs fluttering in the wind and swinging little spiders all around in the air..

i love indian summers i swear.. who doesn’t.. but even more i love the time thereafter.. when the real autumn starts reigning all around.. spreading the coolness and rain.. harnessing the wind and mercilessly tearing off their last summery proud.. and yet.. it’s not about the wind of change and naked trees.. it’s something else hanging in the air that makes my stomach twirl and awakens my senses like never before.. hence every year afresh.. the nostalgia.. shamelessly conquering within and without..

tonight i felt it again.. stronger than ever before.. was walking with axl, my dog, when it sneaked into me.. and started whirling.. i could stand there forever feeling it rising inside and coming out through my breath.. my heat was embracing the coldness around.. i felt it in my throat where heavy lump started melting and flowing like dew drops through my eyes.. thrilling my whole body and mind.. bringing the knowledge of life.. teaching me one more time an immensely clear lesson.. THERE IS NO WRONG OR RIGHT.. THERE IS JUST LIFE.. AND U ARE HERE TO LIVE IT!

i swear i needed this simple knowledge at that very moment.. and then axl pulled me to go..

to be continued.. the autumn has just begun..

a tribute to virtual reality..

i have to admit one more time how much i used to freak out about those ‘new born’ friendships with people whom i’ve never met.. well, slowly i’ve got used to this feeling and right now it is just the ‘keep wondering’ hangover that still comes back from now and then..

well, internet is a useful medium especially for the travellers and vagabonds to keep in touch with the loved ones at least in this skimpy manner like emailing.. calling on skype.. sending a bear hug on facebook.. or sometimes writing a blog for more detailed updates in general.. yeah.. i always knew that and appreciated this hearty side of internet.. and i’m not here to analyse the rest of the marvellous qualities of this wonderland.. but one thing i never knew or, rather to say, i never believed in and was very sceptical about.. is that it also can bring new people into your life..

yeah.. right now it depends on the reader.. u might burst into laughing calling me crazy.. and telling ‘get a life, girl!’.. or u might fetch a deep sigh thinking ‘are u from some stone age.. or what?.. don’t tell me u still don’t believe it!..’

u see.. i would agree with both of u.. i guess that’s the need to write about it..

well of course, there were loads of stories around like ‘..they met on internet and now she’s coming to meet him..’ (no matter that after 2 days she’s catching the first plane to go back as soon as possible where she came from coz both of them have almost got a heart attack after this remarkable face-to-face interaction) and other ones like ‘..he found himself this beautiful girl from the philippines and now she’s taking care of him in his old days..’ (the question would remain who’s happier.. the old ugly ass who couldn’t get himself a wife in a real world or the extensive family of this young little beauty, but definitely not the beauty herself..) anyway.. these are just few typical stories, i guess..

narrow stories.. as i realize it now.. but they used to form my attitude about the world ‘out there’.. the virtual reality that is generally recognized to be ‘practically non-existent’.. as most of my ‘real life’ friends would doubtlessly call me ‘insane’ knowing that i can’t get someone out of my mind.. someone i never met ‘in real’.. even when we go out and dance all night long.. hmm.. and i would agree with them in terms of ‘common sense’.. or what we call ‘normalcy’.. (and i’m not getting in a discussion here what that is supposed to mean..)

apparently this ‘common sense’ does not work as we are used to it on the everyday level.. it turns into a ‘discovery sense’ and becomes so much more interesting and explorational once u get into it.. once u anonymously sneak through these virtual people’s profiles.. laughing your ass off from the creepiest presentations ‘about me’.. or ‘things that attract me’.. or ‘what would u find in my bedroom’.. i remember myself calling all those phantoms ‘freaks’ and ‘fakes’.. unconsciously becoming one of them.. creating my own little world in the dark..

even more i freaked out once i started having night conversations with some of these ‘phantoms’.. exchanging real energy.. the vibrations through the internet.. sometimes even feeling warm breath on my face getting too close to the ‘unknown’.. actually just in front of me.. but what scared me the most was that even people i knew ‘in real’ presented themselves unrecognizably..

at that time i still didn’t know that ‘unfamiliar’ is just another side of the coin.. and that everyone expresses it in a very own unique manner.. and i mean everyone.. a friend you knew for years.. a person that u just started believing to be the ‘perfect stranger’.. a colleague who u thought to be this ‘boring nerd’.. and, yes, also u yourself.. u have your own ‘unfamiliar’ side.. created not by your capabilities to express yourself.. but rather by people on the other side of your computer according to their own personal (and this would include ‘cultural’, ‘economical’, ‘religious’, ‘social’, ‘political’ and all the rest of the possible forms of ‘personal’) background..

‘the charm of the unknown’ is indeed the essence in this journey of mystery.. it keeps u travelling throughout the world.. bridging the lands and oceans.. giving u access to brazilian flavours and colours.. indian slang expressions.. european ‘(un)awareness’.. young rebellious thoughts.. diversity in saying ‘hello’ or ‘i miss u’.. variety in music tastes.. imaginary lifestyles.. sometimes i feel myself like sneaking into people’s bedrooms.. revealing their mind nakedness.. getting into their dreams.. even becoming a part of them.. and then i do not only realize this illusion of time and space one more time.. but i feel it insanely strong roaming through my whole body.. tickling my senses and even reaching my toes.. making me smile.. or cry.. living inside of me.. and making me alive at the moments when dailyness gets too ‘normal’..

---xxx---

just like this morning.. so brilliant and perfect.. how can u miss someone so much.. someone u never met.. u never had.. u never will.. how can u miss someone that much?..

the perfect strangers..

sometimes we meet people who make us laugh..
sometimes we meet people who make us think..
or, just by being the way they are, they learn us how to live..
most of people we just pass by..
with few of them we stick together..
but sometimes..
we meet those very few who make us stop for a deep second..
giving a feeling of love..
unconditionally..
just for entering our lives for this one second..
just very few of them..
they touch our souls and leave..
even if we wish to keep them forever..





















as the matter of fact.. we never really loose them..
as long as this entry is noticed..

‘cogito ergo sum’

.

that’s a really funny one.. found this in my old diary.. the teenage thoughts.. wrote about 10 years ago.. huh.. can laugh so badly about it now..

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so this guy, descartes, a long time ago he said ‘cogito ergo sum’, which is latin for ‘i think, therefore i am’.. well apparently this made a whole lot of people go ‘..oohh, i see, that makes sense.. pretty neat that descartes..’

pfff.. pretty flawed!..

the whole deal with ‘i think, therefore i am’ is that descartes was all ‘damn.. i can’t be sure of anything!.. my senses are flawed!.. all i know for sure is i keep stressin about this stuff!..’ and then his girlfriend was all about ‘if you’re so hung up on this, then you must exist, huh baby?..’ and descartes was all ‘yeaah, that’s true.. i will write this down in latin’ (only, really, he first wrote it in french, but hey, whatever, this is the 17th century, let’s translate it into latin for no good reason!..)

isn’t it a huge logical leap?.. i mean, sure it’s indisputable that thinking is going on, but who says that descartes (or his girlfriend) is the one doing the thinking?..

you can’t have thinking in a vacuum, so something has to exist if there’s thinking going on, but to attribute that thinking to yourself just because you’re aware of it is a pretty big leap for a sceptic to make..

but no, for real.. i’m sleepy and bored!

...................................---xxx---