lessons of autumn..

every year around this time i feel it coming.. it starts somewhere around my belly button, turning and turning around slowly going up through all those inner tunnels rising together with my blood stream and pulsing in my finger tips.. it always keeps going up until it reaches my gullet and there.. out of a sudden bumps up and merges its warmth with cool nightly air.. converting into a steamy breath slightly disappearing in the darkness.. only at this time of the year i get this serpentine feeling from within.. strangely starting around my navel..

it’s a feeling of autumn.. every year it comes back with this whirly inner roam which can be felt only through a deep sigh.. always around this time.. after playful indian summer when all colours land on the ground and start browning the streets undressing the trees every morning leaving them with less and less clothing.. when the sunrays get more and more reddish in the early evenings and late mornings just firing around with scattered heartedness but no heat.. gently playing with the cobwebs fluttering in the wind and swinging little spiders all around in the air..

i love indian summers i swear.. who doesn’t.. but even more i love the time thereafter.. when the real autumn starts reigning all around.. spreading the coolness and rain.. harnessing the wind and mercilessly tearing off their last summery proud.. and yet.. it’s not about the wind of change and naked trees.. it’s something else hanging in the air that makes my stomach twirl and awakens my senses like never before.. hence every year afresh.. the nostalgia.. shamelessly conquering within and without..

tonight i felt it again.. stronger than ever before.. was walking with axl, my dog, when it sneaked into me.. and started whirling.. i could stand there forever feeling it rising inside and coming out through my breath.. my heat was embracing the coldness around.. i felt it in my throat where heavy lump started melting and flowing like dew drops through my eyes.. thrilling my whole body and mind.. bringing the knowledge of life.. teaching me one more time an immensely clear lesson.. THERE IS NO WRONG OR RIGHT.. THERE IS JUST LIFE.. AND U ARE HERE TO LIVE IT!

i swear i needed this simple knowledge at that very moment.. and then axl pulled me to go..

to be continued.. the autumn has just begun..

a tribute to virtual reality..

i have to admit one more time how much i used to freak out about those ‘new born’ friendships with people whom i’ve never met.. well, slowly i’ve got used to this feeling and right now it is just the ‘keep wondering’ hangover that still comes back from now and then..

well, internet is a useful medium especially for the travellers and vagabonds to keep in touch with the loved ones at least in this skimpy manner like emailing.. calling on skype.. sending a bear hug on facebook.. or sometimes writing a blog for more detailed updates in general.. yeah.. i always knew that and appreciated this hearty side of internet.. and i’m not here to analyse the rest of the marvellous qualities of this wonderland.. but one thing i never knew or, rather to say, i never believed in and was very sceptical about.. is that it also can bring new people into your life..

yeah.. right now it depends on the reader.. u might burst into laughing calling me crazy.. and telling ‘get a life, girl!’.. or u might fetch a deep sigh thinking ‘are u from some stone age.. or what?.. don’t tell me u still don’t believe it!..’

u see.. i would agree with both of u.. i guess that’s the need to write about it..

well of course, there were loads of stories around like ‘..they met on internet and now she’s coming to meet him..’ (no matter that after 2 days she’s catching the first plane to go back as soon as possible where she came from coz both of them have almost got a heart attack after this remarkable face-to-face interaction) and other ones like ‘..he found himself this beautiful girl from the philippines and now she’s taking care of him in his old days..’ (the question would remain who’s happier.. the old ugly ass who couldn’t get himself a wife in a real world or the extensive family of this young little beauty, but definitely not the beauty herself..) anyway.. these are just few typical stories, i guess..

narrow stories.. as i realize it now.. but they used to form my attitude about the world ‘out there’.. the virtual reality that is generally recognized to be ‘practically non-existent’.. as most of my ‘real life’ friends would doubtlessly call me ‘insane’ knowing that i can’t get someone out of my mind.. someone i never met ‘in real’.. even when we go out and dance all night long.. hmm.. and i would agree with them in terms of ‘common sense’.. or what we call ‘normalcy’.. (and i’m not getting in a discussion here what that is supposed to mean..)

apparently this ‘common sense’ does not work as we are used to it on the everyday level.. it turns into a ‘discovery sense’ and becomes so much more interesting and explorational once u get into it.. once u anonymously sneak through these virtual people’s profiles.. laughing your ass off from the creepiest presentations ‘about me’.. or ‘things that attract me’.. or ‘what would u find in my bedroom’.. i remember myself calling all those phantoms ‘freaks’ and ‘fakes’.. unconsciously becoming one of them.. creating my own little world in the dark..

even more i freaked out once i started having night conversations with some of these ‘phantoms’.. exchanging real energy.. the vibrations through the internet.. sometimes even feeling warm breath on my face getting too close to the ‘unknown’.. actually just in front of me.. but what scared me the most was that even people i knew ‘in real’ presented themselves unrecognizably..

at that time i still didn’t know that ‘unfamiliar’ is just another side of the coin.. and that everyone expresses it in a very own unique manner.. and i mean everyone.. a friend you knew for years.. a person that u just started believing to be the ‘perfect stranger’.. a colleague who u thought to be this ‘boring nerd’.. and, yes, also u yourself.. u have your own ‘unfamiliar’ side.. created not by your capabilities to express yourself.. but rather by people on the other side of your computer according to their own personal (and this would include ‘cultural’, ‘economical’, ‘religious’, ‘social’, ‘political’ and all the rest of the possible forms of ‘personal’) background..

‘the charm of the unknown’ is indeed the essence in this journey of mystery.. it keeps u travelling throughout the world.. bridging the lands and oceans.. giving u access to brazilian flavours and colours.. indian slang expressions.. european ‘(un)awareness’.. young rebellious thoughts.. diversity in saying ‘hello’ or ‘i miss u’.. variety in music tastes.. imaginary lifestyles.. sometimes i feel myself like sneaking into people’s bedrooms.. revealing their mind nakedness.. getting into their dreams.. even becoming a part of them.. and then i do not only realize this illusion of time and space one more time.. but i feel it insanely strong roaming through my whole body.. tickling my senses and even reaching my toes.. making me smile.. or cry.. living inside of me.. and making me alive at the moments when dailyness gets too ‘normal’..

---xxx---

just like this morning.. so brilliant and perfect.. how can u miss someone so much.. someone u never met.. u never had.. u never will.. how can u miss someone that much?..